A Daydream of Paradise



Sometimes, when we are striving to reach our goals, we forget how very much we have in our lives. We start taking them for granted, feeling we don’t have enough because we want so much more. As an author, we might even compare ourselves with others, colleagues who have hit the big leagues, have titles we covet like “best-selling author”, a book that is a best seller or a book that is in the top 100’s when ours are teetering in the millions.

I want so much more in life and even more with my book business but it seems the struggle continues. I try and try but success seems so far away and I wonder if I will ever obtain it. The more I try, the more success seems to be out of my grasp, not even close enough to slip through my fingers. I don’t want to envy writers with fancy titles but I do sometimes and I wish I knew the secret to own one of those glorious titles because I have no idea how they became successful when I am still here, struggling and trying to remain positive among a sea of unknowns.

So in light of my own personal struggles with: juggling my caretaker responsibilities, my full-time day job that has lost its luster and passion for me, and my book business that most days seems to harbor on the back-burner anymore, I somehow lost sight of all the wonderful stuff and people I do have in my life and I was reminded about this fact, last night.

While staring up at the beautiful lights and ornaments of my Christmas tree, my special friend Michael reminded me to appreciate all that I have. He has been asking me to open my heart, which I did not know was in bad need of damage repair. Instead of love, anxiety and fear crept in. They have riddled my days, for quite a long while now, and I did not know. I didn’t realize, in this season of light and love, how far removed I was.

I am one that advises and encourage others any chance I can get. I help my fellow authors and author friends anytime I can and I work tirelessly to uplift others, even if it means spending hours messaging or talking with a friend so that they can feel better after our conversation. However, have I taken my own advice? Well… no. I encourage and cheer others but I haven’t done the same for myself. The problem is I expect so much out of life and out of myself and I want it Now. And because I haven’t received it and I see others successful when I am failing to achieve my goals, I have essentially forgotten to take care of myself.

I learned so many things yesterday but what I didn’t realize was that we can get caught up in our wants and desires and neglect ourselves in the process- and not even know it.

We need to take care of ourselves first because if we are not in the right frame of mind, we will accomplish nothing.

This is a reminder to look at your own lives and discover all that you have. I have seen several with no home when I have a comfortable one, begging for food when I am not lacking. I have an amazing dog and am fortunate enough to have found my life partner who is also my best friend. These are only a few of the many blessings that I, personally, have and I know you have a list too. During this upcoming New Year, write your list down and reflect upon it, knowing you are starting the New Year on a very good note. And may you receive many more blessing throughout 2018!

Coping in different ways

Tonight I learned that everyone grieves differently.  I probably already knew this but when faced with a short discussion with my dad I realized he and I deal with my mom’s death differently.

My husband and I have had lengthy conversations about what will happen if he passes away before me (hopefully this doesn’t happen).  He knows that I will be “getting rid of all his stuff” immediately, giving it away to charity or something.  I let him know this is not because I don’t love him or that I’m trying to get rid of him.  Oh no.  I love him so much.  But this is how I handle grief.

My mom passed away a little over two years ago though it seems like an eternity to me.  She understood me like no other ever has.  She was my best friend, my biggest fan and my strongest confidante.  She was my rock and I miss her dearly.   And how do I deal with her death?  By ignoring it.  Yup.  That is the only way I stay sane and that is the only way I can go on and survive living while she is up in heaven having fun without me.  I try not to think of her because thinking of her only brings tears and misery and I can’t go to work, on a daily basis, to help people if I am a mess myself.  So, this is my way to deal with the immense sadness of her loss in my life.  One day, hopefully, I will be able to think of her and not tear up but until then, this is the way I cope.  However; this is not the same for my dad~

My dad, who desperately needs to move into a first floor apartment because of his declining health, said to me today, that he can’t move into a smaller place because that would mean he would have to get rid of things and he can’t give up my mom’s stuff.  He said that and then he cried.  You see, my dad never cries because he doesn’t believe in a man crying.  While me, I feel differently.  I think if you have an emotion, let it out.  If you have to cry, do it.  It’s natural and it’s human and you can’t keep these things bottled up or they’ll just resurface again, and again.  He believes in prescriptions to pacify his inner turmoil while I believe prescriptions will only mask the inner pain- much like a band aid covering something temporarily.  In the end it peels off with time and the pain is still there.

But I understand where my dad is coming from and I told him this.  I am only trying to do what best for him but I get it.  In the end, it’s his decision the way he wants to live his life.  He chooses to live his life surrounded by objects my mom loved because it keeps her alive.  Storing these items away would only sadden him and the last thing I want to do is add more pain to his overflowing cup.

So, I guess the lesson is to love everyone while they are here.  Life is so short.  Appreciate those close to you for you never know what tomorrow might bring.  And, to try to understand when people do things differently than you would in the event of one’s passing.  Some create items to remind them of their loved ones, some need to have stuff owned by their loved ones around them while others, like me, can’t have the constant reminders surrounding them.  Everyone grieves differently but in the end, we are all trying to do the same thing:  survive this life to get to the other.

My Weight Loss Journey, Entry 3


Hi Readers,

Well, I am on to another week and still “sick as a dog” with this sinus infection turned into upper respiratory infection….  Good news is, I have my sense of taste back.  Yeah!  Not so good news is my appetite isn’t… though I think it’s slowly creeping back in.  This last part, though, isn’t so bad after all because I know when my appetite does return, it’ll be harder to control my diet.  For now, I am enjoying the freedom of not being so hungry and, as a result, being able to eat a bit more at my one big meal per day, which is really great!

So far I have lost a total of eighteen pounds.  Yes, 18 people!!  Isn’t that amazing?  I am so proud of myself and what’s even more exciting is that I am able to fit into clothes that I haven’t been able to wear in years.

Yesterday, I pulled out all my thinner clothes and my hoard of dresses from a second closet I have in the house and I tried each one on.  There were so many I didn’t even remember owning, but I now fit into.  And the icing on the cake?  I fit into a smaller size pant than I’m currently wearing.  I can actually zip and button the pant but as I like to feel relaxed and comfortable, I’m going to wait a bit to lose a little more before I actually start wearing these pants on a regular basis.  ~*  But I am almost there and it’s a great feeling!

So, now that I’ve lost some weight, I’ve started buying some tops in the Ladies Department – oh yeah.  Where once I had to walk all the way to the back of the store to find items in the Women’s Department in my size, I can now search through the racks up front for clothing.  Amazing.

** I am only ten pounds away from reaching another milestone in my weight loss journey and I’ve been considering what to do once I hit that goal.  I’d like to do something fun and memorable and right now I am in the process of considering ideas for rewards.  It may be something as simple as a mani/pedi, getting my hair colored some subtle but outrageous color (I would love this) or maybe even tickets to an amusement park.  Not sure yet but I do have a little ways to go before I have to decide what to do.

I realize because of the amount of weight I have to lose to get to my goal that this journey may take up to two years to complete but that’s okay.  I am in it for the long haul and ~ hey, I have to live these two years anyway, right?  So why not live it in a healthy way?  Good health= happiness.  That’s the formula.  I’d rather live every day with choices available to me and living a healthy lifestyle affords you the opportunity to expand your choices.

So, here’s to another week.  May it bless us both with amazing opportunities!

Be well and safe.

weight loss words- bubble

My Weight Loss Journey – Entry #2

Hi Readers,

**  Life has it’s ups and downs.  But how we react to them is our choice.**

I have to say, I was disappointed when I walked into my office today wearing a shirt that was a smaller size than I have been in a long while and no one said anything.

I prepared myself for compliments and possibly questions of “have you lost weight?,” or “are you losing weight?” but not one person said anything and it was a bit surprising.  However, I am not trying to lose weight for the wow factor though at some point someone has to say something when I am walking around one hundred pounds lighter- you would think- but, I digress, the reason why I am losing weight is not to impress others, it’s so that I can be healthy- healthier than I have been in a very long while.

This is my goal and my vision.  I realize that having your best, optimum health is like having a solid bar of gold in your hands.  It is worth that much.  Because when you have your health, you can achieve and accomplish anything you set your mind to.  It opens doors that once were not possible.

This is what I look forward to.

The ability to be lighter on my feet, more flexible, more energetic, and the greater ability to challenge myself to do more.

I realize that you can also make more money when you are healthier because you have the ability to do more.  You have freedom.  You can live a better lifestyle and that brings more joy and happiness to not only you but all the lives you touch along the way.

~ I want this so badly. ~  I want to engage in conversations with no shame, no apologies, and to be my quirky, crazy, fun self without hiding behind layers of fat.

I know this will be a long journey for me but I have started it and I’m not stopping now.  So far I have lost fourteen pounds.  An extra three (thanks to my current sinus infection, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise when it came to my weight loss goal) since my last post but I have approximately ninety-three left to go till my goal weight.  Yes, I am that big.  But I will do it because among other things, I want to see if I can.  Right now, though, I am taking one day at a time and blessing every pound that leaves my body for they have served me well but I don’t need them anymore.

I am happy to note that even though I only lost fourteen pounds, it was enough to drop another shirt size so now I don’t have to shop in the Plus size section anymore, when it comes to tops, I can now sort through the Ladies section.  This is fantastic for me because it’s been a while since I have had the pleasure of choosing clothing from this section.  Unfortunately, my hips, stomach and rear have not followed suit (smile) and it remains in the Women’s Plus section, but that’s okay.  I’ll get there and I’m not in a hurry.  Whatever happens, happens, and it will occur at the best time for me.

My supportive friend Michael offered me advice when I recently disclosed to him my wants and worries about losing weight.  He said “Be relaxed and motivated.”  I know.  Sounds like an oxymoron, right?  However, what he meant was to not worry but stay motivated to change.  Makes sense and, as usual, is good advice, for anyone.

So, lovely readers, I will sign off here on another week and wish you well.  If you are embarking on a weight loss journey of your own or if my blogs have helped motivate you to join me, I’d love to hear from you.

Until next time, be well and safe.



Some people say I’m sweet~  Well, I’m not sure if I am or not but I know, like any other, I’m trying.

I had to counsel a co-worker this afternoon and on my way home I found myself running over, in my mind, all of the things I could’ve said to her but didn’t because I didn’t even think of them…  I wondered what happened to me in this circumstance when at times I surprise myself, hearing amazing, thought-provoking words flowing off my tongue that are likely from a higher source other than me.  However, this time I could kick myself because I didn’t do my best.  I faltered badly in front of someone who needed me though I didn’t do this intentionally.

** The problem is I feel more than I know what to say.  **

The words somehow get stuck or don’t come to mind because I’m feeling for the person, wondering how I can assist them to feel better.  It’s later that I run through all of the sentences and paragraphs of wise knowledge I should’ve imparted to them.  Then I feel inadequate, wonder if I should set up another meeting with them so I can impart all these wise tidbits, maybe even write them on a sheet of paper so I can remember them later when I’m sitting face to face with them again and in “duh” mode.  I also ask myself why did I not think of these things when I was face to face with them and… I have no answer.  I have no idea why but I feel like I did them a disservice and if they had this information maybe they’d be empowered to make better choices.

And the word Empath comes to mind.  A word I’ve Googled countless times but am not sure if it really fits me.  A word that doesn’t seem too empowering and I may not want to be labeled as.  A single word that seems people who fit into this category have been dealt the ‘short straw’ so to speak.  They feel too much and that it’s a bad thing because you have to protect yourself and do some type of rituals to’wash off the energies’ of others, all the time to be safe.  A word that makes me feel like a doormat for others’ problems.

I’ve always considered myself strong and capable.  Able to take on anything and survive.  A Superwoman of sorts.  But this single word Empath doesn’t hold those same traits.

I can only hope that part of what I said to my co-worker made sense and that I got through.  I hope that this beautiful, generous, kind and loving woman who doesn’t see herself in that way anymore and struggles with her own personal experiences realizes what a true treasure she is and that maybe, just maybe, despite my “empathic” ways becomes stronger, more confident and courageous.  Sadly, there aren’t many like her in this world and if there’s anything any of us ’empaths’ can do to help these wonderful souls through this challenging world, it is our duty to assist them to their highest good and greatest potential.  All we can do is try.